ADHD, ODD and Aspergers, oh my!

I have talked some before about Jeriah's Aspergers and how he is doing such a fantastic job with school and social situattions, and learning and all that. And I have mentioned briefly about Cephas and his ADHD. Well, here's a little bit of an update about these two kiddos.

Jeriah is still doing an amazing job at school. He has adapted quite nicely to his school routine and to his work and expectations there. His grades at school are all at either meeting or exceeding district standards, which is amazing. At home, though, it's a different story. He has been really defiant and refuses to help out or cooperate or whatever. It's trying on a mama, let me tell you. There are some days and situations where my energy and abilities are long spent just a few hours after he wakes up. I need to schedule another appointment for him with our therapist. This mama needs some resources to deal with this very strong-willed child. He is amazingly smart and I adore him to pieces, but I'm at a point where I need some kind of resources and ideas for what to do now.

I had this same issue with Cephas at this age. It was so INCREDIBLY difficult because with Cephas, I had two younger children at this age, one of which was a baby. With Jeriah, I think it's almost worse though, because I also have Cephas at his current stage, which is taxing at this point, to say the least.

Cephas was diagnosed with ADHD last Spring ('12) and we didn't want to medicate initially. Plus, he had Midget Football, which took up a LOT of time and energy and everything else. It was something that was physically grueling for him and kept him busy enough that he was too exhausted on a regular basis to act out. And then football season ended. And then we started back in with some of the issues.

Two weeks ago, after about a month of really considering the options, we went ahead and met with someone in the psychology office who is in charge of prescribing medications. She put him on a low dose of one ADHD med for him to take that week. It's a short-acting medication and is only in his system for a very limited period of time. Then, the second week (this week), the dose was doubled and would last for twice as long. And it has done an AMAZING job for him at school. He has been able to focus and not even his best friend goofing around here and there has been much of a distraction issue while he is in school. But then, he gets home, the medication wears off and we have our hands FULL. I try to get him to do his chores and homework immediately after school while his meds are still possibly in effect, but if something comes up and we're delayed by an hour or so, the rest of the night is a complete struggle.

Anyhow, before I go into all of that, I should share about the visit that we had with his psychologist before we went to meet with the person in the office who makes the medication decisions. Anyhow, I was talking to the psychologist and told her that it often feels like in addition to his ADHD (which we have talked about and worked with at length) that it feels like he also has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and sometimes a touch of depression and with all of these things combined, it's like he has bi-polar or something.

She validated my feelings about all of that and showed my Cephas' graded assessments, in which his scores were 99.99% ADHD, 99.99% ODD, 99.99% Aggression (something or other) and I was like, Oh wow. Suddenly, it all seems to make sense. It's not just me losing my mind with this child (whom I love dearly, don't get me wrong!)

So, we met with the other person and started him on this medication. We have a meeting with both women coming up this next week and I cannot wait! There's potential that we will end up giving Cephas the low-dose med after school to get him through the evening and we may end up needing to give him another one to help him sleep as well. I don't know if I have ever mentioned this, but I really and truly dislike medications, but we are at the point where there's little other choice. We cannot have him un-medicated right now. But part of the problem that we are having right now is a side effect from the med of restlessness and insomnia. He's always had sleep issues and now on top of that, he has a medication that makes him more prone to it. So, in addition to the medication wearing off around the same time that he gets home from school, he's also not sleeping well at night and he is excessively tired, yet restless at the same time. It seems to be a vicious cycle.

These past few days in particular have been extremely challenging. I think that there has been three days in a row now that have me at my wit's end. The first two days that he was on the stronger dose, we didn't really have any major issues. However, I do think that by the third day, the sleep issue was really starting to catch up with him. All I know for sure is that I cannot wait until next week to meet with both ladies. I don't know if they are going to change his med, add on to it for the evening hours, or give him a sleeping aid of some sort. I almost want to try for the sleep aid first and see if that helps with the evening hours and the restlessness and insomnia issue first. But I don't know what route would be best to go.

It seems that he functions best when he is over-scheduled. You know, there was a big thing about kids being too over-scheduled and how they don't have downtime in our society, etc for quite a while a few years back. But Cephas seems to thrive and function the best when he is constantly on the go. However, I can't do it. Even if I don't have to do all of it, I'm still the one that has to take him here, there and everywhere else and it wears me out.

Right now, we have him involved in Swim Club. (Koren is also in Swim Club, while Oralee and Jeriah are in swim lessons.) Swim Club is quite physically demanding. Koren was complaining that they pushed him too hard, but Cephas kept pace with it really well. He has to do Swim Club before he can do Swim Team. I cannot wait for him to do Swim Team. He needs that intensity. Right now, Swim Club is twice a week. After this session is over, I plan on keeping Koren in Club and putting Cephas on the Team. Hopefully that will help matters as well. Then, this Spring, Cephas will also be playing soccer, Koren will be playing flag football, Oralee will be playing volleyball and Jeriah will be in soccer as well. It's such a demanding sports schedule, but given the similarities between Cephas and Jeriah at Jeriah's current age, I think it may be very beneficial to keep him busy as well. I've also toyed with the idea of having the boys do gymnastics, as Koren wants to and so does Jeriah. Oralee wants to do dance classes.

Anyone else exhausted just thinking about this? Because I am just from typing it and trying to keep it all straight. If I am sparse in posting over the next few weeks, this is why. I'm just trying to keep up with my ASD kiddos.

I also got into a huge disagreement with one of my best friends tonight. This is someone who hasn't been around for just over six months because he was deployed for a month, then he was home for about a month and has been gone for another three months. He doesn't spend all that much time with Cephas either. But as I was talking to him about just the ADHD, ODD, the meds and the current struggle, he made the mistake of telling me that Cephas doesn't have a disorder, that he's just twelve and developing his personality and such. This friend does not have children, does not work with children, rarely is even around children, much less any Spectrum children. Needless to say, we did not exactly see eye to eye about it and our discussion got heated and in the end, I unfriended him on Facebook. I told Bree about the conversation, as her son also has ADHD and ODD, although he's three years younger than Cephas is. But she understands what I'm going through with Cephas. And while she doesn't always understand completely what I'm going through with Jeriah, she's there and she's supportive and validates what it is that I'm feeling and going through with him. This other friend did the exact opposite. I also happened to be talking to Bree on Facebook and she was also getting riled up about this other friend's attitude.

This other friend gets home from his deployment tomorrow and I unfriended him tonight. Not exactly the best timing, but I was angry. Livid, really. I also wanted to talk to his wife tonight, before he gets home tomorrow, to let her know where I stood with her husband at this point in time. Let's just say, he really isn't scoring points with anyone at this point in time. His wife said that he was lucky this conversation took place while he is deployed and that it wasn't in front of her because she'd end up telling him a thing or two herself. I used to get along with him better than I did with her, but over the last few years, I have really lost a lot of respect for him. I hate to say that and to feel that way, but that's just the way that it is. I'm really grateful though, to have rediscovered such a good friend in his wife.

Okay, so this post was in large part an update and also a vent. Sometimes, it is so hard to balance all of this stress though. Thanks for reading through this. I'm exhausted and probably a little worked up yet. And to add to the stress, I also just found out today that Hubby is going to be back to work six to seven days each week. That is going to take yet another toll on me, because I'm going to lose him as a regular resource on Sundays. Wish me luck?

Cold outside, chores inside.

I know some areas are worse, but man, oh man, is it ever cold outside this week. This past weekend was GORGEOUS! Fifty-five degrees and sunny and today it was bitterly cold, overcast and windy. Okay, in all reality, our high for the day was 16 degrees and our highest windchill temp I do believe got up to around -5 degrees. But brrr!

All the super cold means that we have been spending a lot of time indoors. Doing a lot of planning and chore work. Which means that right now is a great time to show-and-tell our current chore system here.

I have four children. Each child has an age in years. Each child is expected to do the same number of chores in living areas of the home as they are old. If all of these chores are done each and every day without fail, said child receives a dollar amount equal to their age once a month. What this ends up working out to being is 3.5 cents per chore. I wanted something that would give the kids money but not be something that would break our budget either.

So here is how it works for Cephas (the child with the greatest age/number of chores/earning potential):

His room has to be clean in order for him to earn any stickers (the way we keep track of our chores) for chores. A clean room means that his bed is neat and tidy, under his bed is free of debris, his dresser, desk and bookshelf are all neat and tidy, the closet is neat and tidy with all items on hangers or in the canvas bins that we use for underclothes. This may sound like a normal thing to the rest of you, but to my twelve year old and his apparent lack of ability to see mess, it is something that has o be clearly defined.

Now for his chores. Currently, at his request, he has the living room. Once again, it may seem silly that we have such a specific list for him, but quite honestly, he needs to have completely clear expectations. His chores are: (1) clear the bookshelf of anything that doesn't belong on there, (2) clear the TV stand of anything that doesn't belong on there and make it look neat, (3) clear off the cedar chest, (4) clear off the couch, (5) clear under couch cushions, (6) make sure the area under the couch is clear,  (7) hang up all the coats and backpacks neatly, (8) make sure all shoes are put on racks or in the shoe baskets, (9) clear off entry table of all non-essential items, (10) pick up floor area in TV area, making sure to check the perimeter area of the floor, (11) pick up floor area in the entry/shoe area, (12) clear off mom's side table.

All are super quick things to do, especially if he does it daily. If he doesn't do it daily, then it builds up and he has to work harder and longer to get it all done. He only earns one sticker per item each day and only if he keeps the chore items up throughout the day. He does have he ability to ask a sibling or a parent to pick up their item if he sees them leaving an item in an area that he is responsible for keeping tidy. He has to do it with respect though. He will get twelve stickers for doing these very basic routine pick up jobs in this one room. The other kids have similarly specific chore items to do in other rooms. This is a system that works for us.

On the wall in our hallway, I have a row of their current school pictures. Under this row of pictures, I have a string that is threaded through 8 mini clothespins that I got from Walmart. Two clothespins for each child hold a sheet of 8x11 printer paper on which we put their stickers. At night, after they go to bed, we place sticker strips with their accumulated stickers from the day in one of their clothespins. Then, once a month, we pay out for their stickers. They can keep the sheet or toss it. The boys generally toss theirs, while Oralee keeps her sheets and hangs them on her wall in her bedroom. Once paid, they get new sheets for the month.

I do allow the kids to do extra work and award extra stickers. For instance, if Cephas or Koren decide to do a load of laundry, it usually nets them 3 stickers (unloading the dryer and bringing the load to my bed or to the couch, transferring the laundry from washer to dryer, reloading the washer). They know all the little parts that need to be done each time. Sorting the load to make sure they are washing like items, using the right amount and temperature of water, cleaning the lint trap of the dryer, etc. etc. Last weekend, they worked together and did six loads of laundry. They worked together on it and I had no issues (because of how well they were working together, cooperating and showing initiative - I didn't say anything to them at all about doing laundry) of giving them each the same number of stickers that I would have given them if they did the work solo. My reasoning? Their joint work ethic. I wanted to reward that as well. And to show them that if they work together nicely, they can get the job done quickly and easily and reap even more benefits than working solo. Their additional benefit was half the workload, same amount of stickers and more time to spend doing what they wanted to do.

Cephas and Koren have been incredibly helpful around the house this week. They have helped me clean Oralee and Jeriah's bedroom, did probably 9 loads of laundry, Cephas cleaned his and Koren's bedroom, and helped me with some laundry work in my room. To be honest, my bedroom most often resembles a clothing store explosion. They earned A LOT of extra stickers for going so far above and beyond this week. The only thing that I actually asked them to do was offering them the opportunity to earn stickers for Oralee and Jeriah's bedroom. Bedroom chores are NOT generally worth any stickers. But if your bedroom chores are not done, you can earn stickers, but you may not collect them, if that makes sense at all.

Okay, so this is what our hallway looks like right now. I will be paying out for their stickers later today as it is the first day of the month.

This is Koren's chart. He has currently earned nearly $5.00 for two weeks worth of work. We had the same concept before, but the stickers were on a different chart (10-strips).





 


This here is Cephas' chart. He also has been working for about two weeks, and he has currently earned nearly $6.00.

This is Oralee's chart. She prefers her stickers to be placed on there at random. She has earned a little over a dollar and a half.

Jeriah's chart has the least amount of stickers, as he is the youngest and currently the most resistant to doing chores. He has earned just cents shy of a dollar.






I love this system! I love the fact that the kids' chores are so specific that there isn't any doubt that they know exactly what is expected of them. They know what each area is supposed to look like when it is done. It is great! They know what to do and how to do it. Also, I had mentioned that they can earn extra stickers for doing extra chores, if they choose, but their prerequisite for that is that their chore rooms have to be done and their bedrooms have to be clean. It has been a beautiful little arrangement.

Oh, and we are also about to institute a dinner chore wheel, where everyone has a roll to play in the dinner prep or clean up. Those mini-chores are not for stickers, but as part of being a family and learning to be a responsible member of the family. The dinner chores include: unload the dishwasher, clear off the table for dinner, help prepare the actual meal, set the table with dishes, help bring the food to the table, help clear the table of the extra food (everyone is responsible for getting their own place setting scraped off and to the sink), rinsing dishes, load the dishwasher, wipe down the table and chairs, wipe down the counters and stove, sweep kitchen and dining room floors, take out the trash. If everyone chips in and does even two items, the work will fly right by and we will have more time to spend doing whatever we want in the evening.

I think it is a great and wonderful plan and cannot wait to implement it later today as well. I love our chore system and how well it works for us. Maybe something in it will help you, maybe it won't. But I thought I'd share it because it is a system that we have been using for quite awhile now and it just works so well for us.

Exciting Change

I had mentioned in my Two Months in No Time Flat post that there were some very exciting new changes going on in our lives.

My husband has made the solid request that I stay at home.

In the course of our 11 year marriage, I have worked or gone to school nearly the whole time, minus end of pregnancy times. Sometimes, I had a "real" out of the home job, sometimes I had an out of the home job, but it was more of a self-employment kind of thing (CNA doing private duty, doing childcare in someone else's home, etc). Other times, it was an in-home job doing self-employment (marketing, sales, home childcare, etc) and then of course, some of it was spent in college. Most of the time, it was a combination of all of the above.

Late last year, I had switched from regular hours at my job as a private duty home health aide to a PRN schedule. But my PRN shifts were not very frequent. Then I got called on to do PRN for another family that I have been with for years and so then I was PRN at two different places. The only problem with this is that either they were both fine and didn't need me, or they both needed me at the same time. It was a real balancing act that was rather stressful for awhile there.

Meanwhile, Hubby had started a new job and was being cross-trained because the store manager (known as the general manager) wants Hubby to be an assistant manager in a certain area. So Hubby was working and getting more and more hours.

We worked hard to try to balance our schedules so that we were the ones home taking care of the children. There were times (some more frequent than others) where the kids would end up needing to spend time over at Hubby's parent's house. Which is fine. We love having them spend time with their grandparents but we also didn't want to rely so much on his parents for childcare.

Then, there came a slow spot in the PRN hours and during this time that I was home more, the children's behaviors and schedules improved, their grades and performance in school improved, the overall care of the house improved, I was able to focus much more on taking care of my home, my husband, my children and make them feel like they were really important, and not just something that I have to check off before rushing off to work. I know it may sound horrible, but sometimes, that's exactly what it felt like, and I'm sure that is what it felt like to them too.

Cephas began reading at or above grade level for the first time in four years, Koren began reading at or above grade level for the first time ever, Jeriah made such improvement that he was released from Special Education. Oralee, well, Oralee hasn't had much marked change but even still, with all of the other changes with the boys, we determined that it was due in large part to the time I was at home, able to focus on them and really help them to succeed.

We also determined that by making a few changes, we would be able to make ends meet on just Hubby's income. Now, there isn't a WHOLE lot of wiggle room, but we have enough for all of our bills and needs, savings, tithing as well as some leftover for fun stuff or to just simply take our family out for dinner (which isn't always cheap when you have a family of six!)

There was still the question, though, of should I continue with some minor part-time PRN hours, just to give us a little bit more wiggle room or savings or whatever. I wanted to make sure that I was also contributing to our household.

And then I got the call. One of the families wanted me to come back to regular hours. So Hubby and I sat down and discussed it. His answer? "No. I don't want you to go back. We don't need the extra money." First of all, NEVER before in our marriage have we been able to say that. We probably could have said that before, but I think our perspective has changed quite a bit recently.

I questioned him, wanting to make sure and listed out the benefits of having the extra money, to which he replied, "Yes, that is all true. But. The extra money won't volunteer in the kids' school. The extra money won't help our children to improve in their grades. The extra money won't give our household that added stability that having you home has had. The extra money won't make coming home each day to you feel quite as good as having you there to greet me does."

And so, the decision was made. I am now a stay-at-home mom. It has been quite the adjustment and I am still working hard to master the whole "stay-at-home" part of the term. :) But it has been wonderful. The best part? To know that what I am doing here has made THAT kind of a difference in not only my children and their schooling and overall demeanor but also in the way my husband now views our home. I think he actually considers it to be more of a sanctuary than he ever has before. It's not always perfect (actually, it never is) and quite often, there are still dishes needing to be done, laundry needing to be done, folded, put away or whatever. There are toys and messes here and there, but it's not about that to him (at least, not right now - it is something that I'm working on getting more attentive to), it's about the feeling of home. I think I'm doing something right at this point though!

Super busy-ness

I have come by the blog EVERY single day and even though I have often thought about whipping up a blog post, I just didn't. I journal off of the computer, although that is a different sort of thing than what I write about online. But regardless, I love blogging and I miss doing it regularly

I had mentioned that Jeriah had some changes happen at school, so I am going to share about that and then move on to another (semi-)related topic and that is some of the things that we are going through with Cephas. You will see in the end how the two tie (loosely) together.

So to start with, when Jeriah was 19 months old, he was evaluated by our school district's team of experts (a doctor, a speech/language pathologist, an occupational therapist, a physical therapist, and a few other professionals) and they determined that he had PDD-NOS, Pervasive Developmental Delay, Not Otherwise Specified, which is on the Autism Spectrum. We began home-based schooling at that point in time, working with him on language development (he'd had words but "lost" them) and on gross and fine motor skills (He had just started walking the day before his evaluation with the team). We worked with his texture issues and his food intolerances/sensitivities. He had more specialist doctors than the other five of us in our family combined.

Last year (2010-2011 school year), he started school-based, well, schooling. He attended preschool five days a week for half days, then due to some issues, we ended up reducing it down to only 3 days a week. His development really progressed during this process. This year, (2011-2012 school year), he started a new school since we moved over the summer. He has been attending half-days of school, five days a week.
Then in February, we met with his "team" for his MDT meeting. They were talking about the progress he has made this year, which has been incredible. They were setting up his evaluations to see if he still qualified for Special Education and to set up all of the information that they needed for his IEP meeting, which was to happen at the end of the month.

The last day of February, we had a "home visit" with his classroom teacher. I say "home visit" because the visit actually took place at school, instead of at our home (the way that it is generally done), because his teacher is pregnant and has severe allergies and dogs are one of them. We have three dogs. However, Miss C is not able to take her allergy medicine during pregnancy so therefore, home visit at school.
Jeriah, BC (a little guy I take care of here and there) and I met with Miss C for the visit and she told me that Jeriah's testing had come back and that she thought he would probably be dismissed from the Special Education program. Also, we had discussed our options for him for next school year. You see, where we live, the school district has changed the guidelines for Kindergarten. Ever since I was a child, the cut-off date for Kindergarten admission was "5 years by October 15th of the current school year" so a child could enter Kindergarten at age 4, provided that they would turn 5 by October 15th.

Oralee is in Kindergarten right now. Before they had changed the guidelines, we had figured that Jeriah would be just one grade behind her all through school. Then they changed up the guideline and so we had planned on there being a year between the two of them in school. Jeriah was going to attend the preschool program for one more year.

Then, we met for his IEP. And he was released from the program. His IQ testing had all come back at average or above average for his age. His verbal skills are great, his Kindergarten curriculum skills are great (in fact, he's at grade level right now for Kindergarten academics for where Kindergarten is RIGHT NOW in the school year) but he still has his "Jeriah Quirks" as his teacher calls them. They are little things that he does that is just a little bit "off". Mostly, they are social things. He scripts, for one thing. Some of what he says makes sense and is said in context, but the manner in which he says it is scripted. For instance, he will "test" someone else's knowledge (repetitively - which in itself is a quirk) and when they give him a correct answer, he will say "You have the right answer!" Not a big deal, right? The inflection and intonation of his sentence is the exact same every time.

Earlier this year, when Jeriah's first semi-regular non-family babysitter was watching him, she was telling me of an interaction that Jeriah had with her husband. At the end of the conversation, she told me, "Jeriah told B that he correct," and without even thinking about it, I said, "You have the right answer!" with Jeriah's practiced intonation and inflection. She stopped and said, "Oh my gosh! That's exactly what he said! And EXACTLY how he said it! How did you know that?" It's just Jeriah. Anyone who has spent time with him knows some of his scripting.

If you think about the old Taco Bell commercials and the little chihuahua who would say, "Yo quiero Taco Bell" we all can repeat it. Now, imagine if EVERY single time you went to Taco Bell (and let's say you eat there for lunch two or three times a week), you walk in and say, "Yo quiero Taco Bell" in the same tone and with the same inflection as the chihuahua. That would be very much like Jeriah. Correct timing for a phrase but always the same exact phrase, said the same exact way. And that is scripting. Which, as I said, is just ONE of Jeriah's "quirks".

So anyhow, he was released from Special Education and is now attending the same preschool class as before, just sans IEP. He is now one of the "peer models" instead of the one needing the peer model. He still has his social issues (won't generally initiate contact with another child, prefers to parallel play with other children, has developing problem-solving skills when it comes to disagreements with others, and a few other things) but his academic skills are out of this world!

In fact, at the beginning of the year, Miss C made up these little progress books in which she would "test" each student throughout the year and record their progress. It had numbers listed 1-10, kept track of how far a child could rote count, how far they could count with one-to-one correspondence, which letters of the alphabet they knew (lowercase and uppercase), which shapes and colors they knew. Well, Jeriah knew all of his numbers 1-10 (and actually could recognize numbers up to 100), could rote count and could count with one-to-one correspondence to 16 on both (he missed 17 both times and she had to stop him, although he wanted to keep going), knew most of the letters (uppercase and lowercase both!) except for five of them I think, and knew all of the colors and shapes Miss C tested him on.

So, the second time we met, she skipped the numbers portion (although we played Chutes and Ladders and he had a great chance of showing off his number recognition skills), and she had tested him on letter sounds (because he had mastered the "missing" letters shortly after his previous testing) and had tested him on other shapes than the typical preschool level shapes. Things like oval, crescent, hexagon, pentagon, octagon and rhombus (to name a few). By the third meeting, the "testing progress" book was a moot point. Other than his cutting skills, which I am honestly just fine that he doesn't have great scissor skills. :) Personal preference.

So, now we are in the unique place where we can have him attend preschool one more year, as would follow guidelines. Or we can have him tested to enter kindergarten a year early. He would have been one of the youngest with the old guideline, he will be one of the oldest following the new guideline.
We reserved his place in preschool for next year and are setting up a time for him to be tested into Kindergarten for next year. We have the option of not placing him in Kindergarten even if he tests into it.
You know how parenting is an absolute trial and error experience and you generally learn things from one kid to the next? Well, Jeriah is our fourth and last. And I'm STILL learning. Some of what I am learning is all new to me because of his PDD-NOS.

Since he no longer qualifies for Special Education services and coordination, we will be starting to see a behavioral psychologist at a group that specializes in ASD. We found this group because of Cephas and some of the issues we have been having with him.

I have honestly debated on whether or not to share about this but have decided to go ahead and share. You see, Cephas has some issues with staying on task at school, following directions, things all the way up to outright defiance. There are times when I will tell him to stop doing something and he will continue to do it and then proceed to tell me why he is continuing to do it. And while I appreciate his independent thinking, sometimes it is more important to just be able to obey a simple directive immediately. And if it were once in awhile, it wouldn't be such an issue, but it isn't. It is a several-times-a-day kind of thing.

So we went to see someone in this office and while we were there, Cephas DID a few of the things/behaviors/attitudes that we were there to discuss. Now, I know it may sound bad but I was secretly quite relieved that he did that. Just because it gave some of my concerns about him more validity, if that makes sense. I think we may end up looking at an Aspberger's diagnosis down the line. I can't say for sure though, which is part of the reason that we are there. To see if there is something that we can do to help him, or at the very least come up with strategies to help him be successful.

So, there you have it. Jeriah's exciting school thing and Cephas's behavior thing. Slowly but surely, I am going to get caught up!

Thirty Thankful Days - Day 8

Today is Day 8 and it is really easy to choose what I am thankful for today. If you read my post from 11:30 last night, you can probably guess. Today I am thankful for forgiveness. I am thankful that I have the ability to mess up, to be sorry and to be forgiven. I don't try to mess up. I'd love to never mess up. But the fact is, that I do mess up. But I am forgiven. And I'm grateful!

Struggles

They happen in real life and I'm not about to hide them. As you all know already, Oralee got sick on Friday and had shown some improvement by Saturday and Sunday. Night time was still a major issue with her and I called her in on Monday because of the rough night she had on Sunday night.

And let me tell you, that child was UPSET that I called her in too! She raged at me about it. I know she was sick and wouldn't be able to focus in school and needed a day home to just be able to recoup, but man alive! She was angry. She was talking about how she had science class and how she doesn't like science class but she learns during it and how she was going to miss it. If you followed that one better than I did, kudos to you because she lost me on it. She doesn't like it, but she was upset that she was missing it? Yeah. I don't know.

She was also completely convinced that she is never going to be able to go back to school again. You know, because she missed one day. Yep, one day out of school and now she is a kindergarten drop-out. I know, I shouldn't jest, but seriously? The child is intense.

So today, we were home and I was still feeling under the weather myself. It seems that every single time I ingest something, I have sharp, hot, stabbing pains in my stomach that last for hours. It's bad. And I have been moody today. Like chewing out the whole entire world moody. I was hurting and people kept doing things that upset me. Which is true. People were doing things that upset me. But I also had a choice in how I handled it. And needless to say, I did not handle it well.

The only thing that I handled at least moderately well was dealing with my mother-in-law chewing me out for something that I had nothing to do with. She knows that I had nothing to do with it, had no knowledge of what happened, yet still felt it would benefit somehow to chew me out for 30 minutes (on a day I am not feeling well, mind you!). Actually, I hope it helped her to relieve some of her stress because she needed it. But even still, it wasn't something that I did, had any part in doing or even knew about and I still got to spend half an hour of my day on the phone listening to her yell about it.

And actually, maybe I should have said something more than what I did (which wasn't much) but I just don't know really how to handle that kind of situation. It has been my experience for many years that when someone has their mind made up about something and they are set in their way of thinking, it really doesn't do much good to try and convince them otherwise. But in not sticking up for myself, I don't know if that indicates somehow to her that I am at fault for what was upsetting her? I don't honestly know.

And even though, we are both grown adult women, she is somehow still like an authority over me. Maybe that's just the way that I was raised. My grandmother was still very much an authority over my mother and so I can see that somewhat being the way those kind of relationships are supposed to be. But at the same time, I am now (and have been for the past 12 years) the authority figure over my mother as well. That's a whole other story though.

So today, I am struggling. My mother-in-law is mad at me, I have been horribly moody to my own family, I have been sick and in pain for most of the day. I am depressed too. I feel like there are a lot of negative things happening right now and I don't know exactly what to do about it.

Oh - and my own younger brother called me yesterday and left me a voicemail message cussing me out for not doing my mom's yardwork. You know, since I'm just sitting around all day eating bon-bons and such. He was upset because he had to do her yardwork for her, which simply was not the case. But regardless, it seems that this weekend and Monday, the only thing I was successful at doing was igniting the anger of everyone around me.

I feel like I'm not enough. Like I am somehow failing EVERY single person in my life. And I know in my head that really, that's not the case, but sometimes the way you perceive something ends up being more powerful than reality.

However, I finally finished reading a great book today on my Kindle app (for the computer) although, I cannot even begin to tell you which book it was. I'd have to go through and try to figure that out based on the books that show they have been read completely through. But there was a quote in the book that I absolutely loved. "You are not truly sorry if you are still blaming someone else for your actions." Kathryn Cushman. A Promise to Remember (p. 267). Kindle Edition. Okay, so I decided that it was worth looking for. For some odd reason, it didn't show up as me having read through the whole book but I forgot that the app had an error and closed itself down so that is probably why. I plan to do a review of this book later on, but I just wanted to share this one line from there. Incredible line isn't it?

That fact that it hit home when I read it is part of the reason that I needed to share it with you though. No matter how I have been (or just perceive to have been) wronged by others, my bad attitude today was mine and mine alone. Granted, I shared it with just about everyone. But it was MINE.

It doesn't matter that my mother-in-law was blaming me for something that I had nothing to do with. Or that my brother left me a message on me out on the phone for something that I honestly had not had time to take care of. Or that Hubby did not make sure that Cephas had violin after school on Friday yet specifically told me that he had sent him back in to get it. Or that because of said missing violin that BOTH Cephas and Koren missed their music lessons this evening. Or that housework wasn't getting done today because I was literally barely able to move from the couch today. (Seriously - I have had ONE bathroom trip ALL day long! I even ate my ONE meal laying on the couch.) Or that Hubby didn't seem inspired to help out as much I thought he should have. No matter what happens, I have a choice in how I perceive it and how I respond to it.

Today, I struggled. I took everything as a personal attack (some were but still...) and I responded in a poor manner. Those were both my choice to make. I didn't make the right one. But I am now. I was rude, short-tempered and moody. Today I struggled but I know that my family forgives me. They know I am truly sorry. I don't blame them. It wasn't them. It was me. Things like those listed in the previous paragraph happen quite frequently. Generally, they don't affect me the way it did today. But there's always tomorrow and it will be better. But for today, I am sorry.

Home Visit

Yesterday was our "home visit" with Jeriah's classroom teacher, Miss Cari. I put home visit in parentheses because it wasn't held at home. It was held at the school in the hallway outside of Jeriah's classroom.

We worked on a set of Opposites puzzles with Jeriah. He understood which pictures went together to make the puzzle but had some difficulty deciding what each picture was or being able to verbalize "The opposite of hot is cold." It is something that we are going to continue to work on though. We had the opportunity to share with Miss Cari our pictures from when we made homemade pizza for our movie night and some from Halloween and we told her about Jeriah and Oralee singing karaoke way late into the night. It was a great visit!

We set mini goals at each home visit. One for Jeriah and one for us as parents. Our goal for Jeriah was to continue working on opposites until he is able to identify and vocalize what the opposites are. Our goal as parents was to establish a bedtime routine for Jeriah. He is our most difficult child to get to sleep. It used to be that Cephas was our most difficult but Jeriah has clearly taken over that position. We also have the option of meeting with the school psychologist to work on it as well, but I passed on that. I'd rather try to get it all settled myself and if there isn't significant progress in the next month when we have our next visit, then I will request her input. But until then, I am going to do what I can to establish a good bedtime routine for Jeriah.

Jeriah took a photograph of his Opposites puzzles that he put together today. We will be adding this to his Family Literacy Portfolio that we turn in at the end of the year.

Communication

Generally, I think that my husband and I have stellar communication skills. But this past week, it has been a real trial. I think it comes from a few different sources. First of all, we have had a lot going on and haven't spent as much time making sure that we are being as effective as necessary in our communications with one another. Secondly, Hubby has been in pain with some dental issues and has been on some pretty strong pain meds. Thirdly, I have been really short-changed on sleep this week. Not because of any one reason, but because that's what happens to me every so often.

You see, I generally sleep all the way through the night. I don't get up for drinks or restroom or anything. If I do wake up, I stay in bed. Once I have to physically get up, I'm done for the night. I just cannot fall back asleep. It interrupts my sleep cycle in a most vicious way. This has been the case for most of my life. Add to that the fact that I am both a night owl and an early bird and well, it all adds up to sleep deprivation.

Occasionally, I can grab a short afternoon nap while Jeriah is at school with the bigger kids but this week, it has been so hit and miss. Part of it is that I lay down but cannot fall asleep for the first two hours, which gives me about 30 minutes to nap before needing to go pick up the kids and then I'm worried that I'll oversleep so I automatically wake up about every 5 minutes.

Okay, so with all of that being said, I know that I need to work harder to try and get better rest at night and see what I can do to sleep through the night again. I may even take some Benadryl tonight just to get myself to fall asleep a little bit more quickly. You know, jump start my sleep cycle.

And as far as communication goes, I know that with the pain meds that Hubby is on, I cannot have the expectation that he will be able to listen and understand what I am saying. And I need to not take it to heart when he doesn't. It's a difficult thing for me, because our communication is so easy most of the time. I am just used to the way it normally is. This is just a short season. Soon, he will be better and our communication will be back to normal as well.

Until then, I'm going to work on being more understanding, try to minimize trivial conversation and let him rest as much as possible. I think that is the best thing that I can do right now. By doing those things, it will allow him to rest and hopefully get to feeling better and will minimize the number of opportunities that I have to allow my feelings to be hurt.

Could you keep his healing and my emotions and my ability to sleep in your prayers this week? I'd greatly appreciate it! In the meantime, I have a LONG list of things to do while Hubby is laid up. Guess this is as good a time as any to get all that stuff done!

(Linking up to: Home Sanctuary and this week's Company Girl Coffee.)