Monday, November 7, 2011


They happen in real life and I'm not about to hide them. As you all know already, Oralee got sick on Friday and had shown some improvement by Saturday and Sunday. Night time was still a major issue with her and I called her in on Monday because of the rough night she had on Sunday night.

And let me tell you, that child was UPSET that I called her in too! She raged at me about it. I know she was sick and wouldn't be able to focus in school and needed a day home to just be able to recoup, but man alive! She was angry. She was talking about how she had science class and how she doesn't like science class but she learns during it and how she was going to miss it. If you followed that one better than I did, kudos to you because she lost me on it. She doesn't like it, but she was upset that she was missing it? Yeah. I don't know.

She was also completely convinced that she is never going to be able to go back to school again. You know, because she missed one day. Yep, one day out of school and now she is a kindergarten drop-out. I know, I shouldn't jest, but seriously? The child is intense.

So today, we were home and I was still feeling under the weather myself. It seems that every single time I ingest something, I have sharp, hot, stabbing pains in my stomach that last for hours. It's bad. And I have been moody today. Like chewing out the whole entire world moody. I was hurting and people kept doing things that upset me. Which is true. People were doing things that upset me. But I also had a choice in how I handled it. And needless to say, I did not handle it well.

The only thing that I handled at least moderately well was dealing with my mother-in-law chewing me out for something that I had nothing to do with. She knows that I had nothing to do with it, had no knowledge of what happened, yet still felt it would benefit somehow to chew me out for 30 minutes (on a day I am not feeling well, mind you!). Actually, I hope it helped her to relieve some of her stress because she needed it. But even still, it wasn't something that I did, had any part in doing or even knew about and I still got to spend half an hour of my day on the phone listening to her yell about it.

And actually, maybe I should have said something more than what I did (which wasn't much) but I just don't know really how to handle that kind of situation. It has been my experience for many years that when someone has their mind made up about something and they are set in their way of thinking, it really doesn't do much good to try and convince them otherwise. But in not sticking up for myself, I don't know if that indicates somehow to her that I am at fault for what was upsetting her? I don't honestly know.

And even though, we are both grown adult women, she is somehow still like an authority over me. Maybe that's just the way that I was raised. My grandmother was still very much an authority over my mother and so I can see that somewhat being the way those kind of relationships are supposed to be. But at the same time, I am now (and have been for the past 12 years) the authority figure over my mother as well. That's a whole other story though.

So today, I am struggling. My mother-in-law is mad at me, I have been horribly moody to my own family, I have been sick and in pain for most of the day. I am depressed too. I feel like there are a lot of negative things happening right now and I don't know exactly what to do about it.

Oh - and my own younger brother called me yesterday and left me a voicemail message cussing me out for not doing my mom's yardwork. You know, since I'm just sitting around all day eating bon-bons and such. He was upset because he had to do her yardwork for her, which simply was not the case. But regardless, it seems that this weekend and Monday, the only thing I was successful at doing was igniting the anger of everyone around me.

I feel like I'm not enough. Like I am somehow failing EVERY single person in my life. And I know in my head that really, that's not the case, but sometimes the way you perceive something ends up being more powerful than reality.

However, I finally finished reading a great book today on my Kindle app (for the computer) although, I cannot even begin to tell you which book it was. I'd have to go through and try to figure that out based on the books that show they have been read completely through. But there was a quote in the book that I absolutely loved. "You are not truly sorry if you are still blaming someone else for your actions." Kathryn Cushman. A Promise to Remember (p. 267). Kindle Edition. Okay, so I decided that it was worth looking for. For some odd reason, it didn't show up as me having read through the whole book but I forgot that the app had an error and closed itself down so that is probably why. I plan to do a review of this book later on, but I just wanted to share this one line from there. Incredible line isn't it?

That fact that it hit home when I read it is part of the reason that I needed to share it with you though. No matter how I have been (or just perceive to have been) wronged by others, my bad attitude today was mine and mine alone. Granted, I shared it with just about everyone. But it was MINE.

It doesn't matter that my mother-in-law was blaming me for something that I had nothing to do with. Or that my brother left me a message on me out on the phone for something that I honestly had not had time to take care of. Or that Hubby did not make sure that Cephas had violin after school on Friday yet specifically told me that he had sent him back in to get it. Or that because of said missing violin that BOTH Cephas and Koren missed their music lessons this evening. Or that housework wasn't getting done today because I was literally barely able to move from the couch today. (Seriously - I have had ONE bathroom trip ALL day long! I even ate my ONE meal laying on the couch.) Or that Hubby didn't seem inspired to help out as much I thought he should have. No matter what happens, I have a choice in how I perceive it and how I respond to it.

Today, I struggled. I took everything as a personal attack (some were but still...) and I responded in a poor manner. Those were both my choice to make. I didn't make the right one. But I am now. I was rude, short-tempered and moody. Today I struggled but I know that my family forgives me. They know I am truly sorry. I don't blame them. It wasn't them. It was me. Things like those listed in the previous paragraph happen quite frequently. Generally, they don't affect me the way it did today. But there's always tomorrow and it will be better. But for today, I am sorry.