Friday, April 27, 2012

Trust and Patience

 I had a bit of an epiphany the other day when I woke up. It was Hubby's last day off from work that he would have for about two weeks. I had gone to bed the previous night with a migraine and when I first woke up in the morning to get the kids up and off to school, I was not feeling so great. I still had the migraine and had some sinus issues as well (I think it was from allergies). So I asked Hubby to get the kids up and take them to school for me, which he did. I did have to call out to them that Koren didn't need to wear shorts or tennis shoes today because although he did have P.E. for that day, he would not be participating in it because of his eyes being dilated. Oralee had P.E. on the schedule as well and she DID need her tennis shoes, which I also had to make sure that Hubby knew. But for the most part, he got them all ready to go.

I came out to the living room to keep an eye on Jeriah while Hubby went to drop the other kids off at school and then Jeriah fell back asleep as well (I think he might be having allergy issues as well) and slept until 11:30 in the morning. And for a kid that does NOT nap, Hubby got extremely lucky. Because I also fell back asleep. I didn't wake up until noon though, when Hubby was putting Jeriah on the school bus.

I got up and realized that Hubby had spent his entire morning after the kids went to school, playing video games and just relaxing. Normally, this is something that would severely tick me off. But I really think that there is something happening within my whole thought process and perception thing. Maybe it has to do with the official decision of me being the one that is staying home now, maybe it has to do with me just trying to make a stronger effort to be a better housekeeper and wife, maybe it is a combination thereof. But my first reaction was not to be ticked off.

My reaction? Gratefulness. Yep, you read that right. I was grateful. Because although there were things that he could have very easily done, he didn't do them. He felt like he could take that morning and just relax and do something fun for him to do. (I'm guessing the fact that he let me sleep in helped a bit too, to be honest!) I took his actions to mean that he TRUSTED me to get it all done. He had faith that he could just take the morning for himself and enjoy it, because he knew that the work would get done. And that is what I took as a huge compliment.

Not too long ago, I got offended because I had told him that I would get around to doing something and then I got busy with the kids' activities and lessons and my work and volunteering and church activities and whatever else. And I didn't get around to doing whatever it was that Hubby had wanted me to do. So he did it himself. I was hurt. He didn't trust me to get it done. And I reacted in a hurt manner. I'm sure I told him that I was hurt that he didn't trust me to get it done. And he responded by saying that he had trusted that I would get it done and then had waited patiently for me to do it until he just did it for himself.

Patience. My husband has way more of it for me than I do for him (on a regular basis). When I want him to do something, I ask him. When he doesn't do it, I ask him again. When he still doesn't do it, I ask again. I have learned how to ask repeatedly without it sounding to him like, "Nag nag nag nag naaa-aaaggg" All I have to do is ask. Then when I have waited an appropriate length of time, I just say, "Honey, I don't know if maybe you got distracted or forgot, or if you were still planning to do it, but I was wondering if you were still planning to..." to which he will generally respond, "Oh, right! I'm sorry. I forgot. I will get that taken care of right away!" and sometimes he doesn't get it done right away and I will wait another appropriate length of time and say, "Honey, I don't want to bother you, but if you need me to do .... , I can do it. Just let me know," which usually is the point he will do whatever the task was. But it is all about timing and tone. He can tell in my tone if I am sincere in the way that I am asking or if I am sarcastic. We have been married for 11 years, he should definitely be able to pick up on that by now.

But there is very little that Hubby actually asks me to do for him. So when he asks me to do something specific, I try to make sure it gets put up towards the top of the priority list. On the other hand, it could be said that he doesn't have to ask for much because I already do most of what he would ask for. But you know what? To be honest, I don't think that is necessarily true. I mean, I do try to make sure that the home is a comfortable, relaxing, inviting place for him to come home to at the end of his workday and to not bombard him with my day or with requests when he walks through the door. But I think it is just that he trusts me more to just do "my job" here at home.

And before someone gets their panties in a bunch about the house being my job, let me assure you, I am happy with it. The home and the kids and my husband ARE my job. It is my job to focus on them and make sure that they are taken care of and loved and to make sure that they know that too. My husband's hard work allows me to be able to do this. So when he makes the odd request of me to do something, I will do it.

It's funny, as I was typing this, my husband came up to me and asked me to switch a couple of meals around on the menu because he wanted a particular meal this evening (I am writing this post ahead of the day it will be published) and also asked me to pick up some very specific items at the grocery store when I go shopping. And asked that I do something very specific in the house tomorrow (which I did let him know that it would not likely be able to be done tomorrow, but that the following day, I would have a chance to do it) and he will not ask about these things again. He just won't. He trusts that I will do these things and he has the patience to wait for me to get it done. I could learn a lesson or two from him on this matter.

(And darn it! I saved my blog as a bookmark on his phone. Now he gets to read all of this about himself! Just kidding. I love you honey!)